Three assumptions spankers should never make

If it is your first time being spanked by a particular person, there is a good chance that you probably won't know everything about that person's preferences. It may be a good idea to discuss spanking preferences in extensive detail beforehand, but I also understand that sometimes it's just more fun to let them surprise you. Whichever the case may be, our own personal preferences may sometimes cause us to form assumptions about what the other person may be into. In the interest of the safety and happiness of all parties involved in recreational spanking, I would like to discuss three harmful assumptions that the person giving the spanking should never make. Please disregard any gender pronouns if they don't match your preferences.

1. Assuming they want sex

For most spankos, spanking can be a highly erotic activity and can often be used as foreplay, but that doesn't mean that anyone should just assume that sex is automatically on the menu. Just because the person you are spanking is aroused, that doesn't mean it's OK to assume they are up for sex. When in doubt, ASK! Trust me, if I want it, putting your intent into the form of a question doesn't kill the mood at all. 

Despite whatever amount of arousal may come with spanking, a lot of people prefer to keep sex totally separate from spanking, and if you want someone to trust you enough to let you spank them, you have to be willing to honor their choices. In my personal experience, I have had sex with spanking partners, often right after the spanking was over. However, mutual consent was very clear. In other cases, I have had highly erotic spankings where no sexual contact was initiated or even suggested.

Just as an example, I had a spanking partner who used to spank me very regularly. I spent a LOT of time completely naked at his apartment. He was older than me and gay, but his preference was just that I be naked when he spanked me. I was cool with that, especially since being naked helps me to get into the right sort of mindset for spanking. Being totally gay, he had no sexual interest in me, and was really good about keeping his hands to himself (except when they were on my butt for obvious reasons). The only time he ever touched me more intimately than that was when I specifically invited him to while I was answering his politely-worded question about where the clitoris is, which was just curiosity on his part since he was inexperienced with such details (being more into penises and all). I bring this example up to basically illustrate a seemingly sexual spanking encounter in which sex is not assumed.

As an example of what not to do, I was once bent over for a spanking. The guy who was spanking me teased me about being turned on by it. The next thing I knew, I felt his finger being inserted into my vagina. I was stunned speechless that he would just assume that he could do that. When I finally found my voice again, I asked him to remove his finger. When he started apologizing profusely, I realized that he honestly meant no harm and didn't really think of his actions as "rapey". He just assumed that my being exposed in the way I was implied that I was up for sexual contact. I looked him in the eye and explained that I had no interest in having sex with him and that further advances would be unwelcome, but that I also understood his mistake and would forgive him for it. I then said that if he didn't want to continue the spanking without sexual play, then I would just get dressed and leave with no hard feelings. However, if he was OK with continuing the spanking, I would bend back over for him. He chose to continue the spanking, although he started swinging the paddle noticeably softer after that.

2. Assuming you can hit other parts of their body


This is mostly self-explanatory. The word "spanking" commonly refers to striking the buttocks. How hard, what implements are used, and whether or not it is given bare are all up to personal preference, but the common denominator is that you confine the thrashing to the buttocks. This is a safe assumption to make. It is not, however, safe to assume that someone will be OK with you striking other parts of their body. I have tried full-body thrashing before, and I have found it to be unsatisfying, so now I am just into spanking. A lot of others feel the same way. Because I haven't always been clear about limits in the past, I have had my thighs, back, vagina, and breasts struck before without warning, and I wasn't very happy about it. Again, if you want to move beyond the buttocks, please ask first.



3. Assuming submissiveness in all areas


Spanking generally falls under the large umbrella of BDSM, but just because you are into one aspect of BDSM doesn't mean you are into everything, or that you always have the mentality of a dom/sub or master/slave. In other words, being a spanker doesn't give you license to be a jerk or to disrespect the person you are spanking. I know how much of a paradox it seems. Yes, I may be OK with someone thrashing me hard until I am screaming in agony or growling commands at me to strip or stick my butt out more, but he had better not be rude to me! It seems like a contradiction but our fetishes don't always seamlessly fit into the rest of our identity. I have an assertive personality except when it comes to spanking. Surprisingly, I am even very assertive when it comes to sex, but spanking turns me into a total sub.

So unless it's part of the spanking, don't disrespect your partner. Don't assume that just because she let you spank her, that this somehow makes her inferior to you. And definitely don't ever assume that you can physically or emotionally hurt her in contexts where she has not given clear consent.



Summary checklist:

In summary, here is a checklist of things that you can assume and things you should ask about.

• Slapping her on the butt:   Yes! Not only is it OK, but it's kind of expected. Exceptions are after the spanking has clearly ended or when she has stated that she would like the spanking to end. 

• Rubbing/stroking/massaging her butt:   I would say it's OK to go ahead and do it unless she asks you not to.

  

• Touching her near her anus:    Ask first! Not everyone likes that.

• Touching her genitals:   Ask first, unless you have both agreed beforehand that sexual touching will be allowed or expected.

• Yanking off her panties:   If she has agreed that the spanking will involve her panties being removed, then go ahead and do it. Otherwise, just ask. For all you know, she may want her panties lowered in a way that preserves some modesty.

• Spreading her legs:   If you want her to adjust her position, it should probably be alright to use your foot to gently nudge her legs open into a wider stance. Sticking an implement like a paddle or a cane between her legs and using that to gently nudge them open wider is also fine. You should probably avoid placing your hand on her inner thigh though, unless sexual contact has definitely been given the green light. However, if she expresses a wish to not have her legs spread, then just leave them be.

• Adjusting her butt's position with your hands:   As long as you are being mindful not to touch any other intimate areas without permission, go ahead. Placing your hands on her hips to pull her butt back towards you so that it is sticking out more is fine. So is shifting her body so that it is in a better position over your lap. Just watch where your hands go and you should be fine.

• Disrobing yourself in any way:   You should keep your own clothes on unless she is OK with you taking them off. If a guy wants to take his shirt off so that his arm motion is unhindered, that should be fine but don't go any further than that. And definitely don't whip out your own genitals and start touching yourself. Just because the person you are spanking is OK removing her own clothes, that doesn't mean that she will be OK with you removing your clothes. If you want to be naked while spanking your partner, then ask her if it is OK. And please don't start masturbating unless she is OK with that.

• Stabbing her with your erect penis:   It often can't be helped, but you can be considerate about it. If you have an erection while she is over your lap, there is a good chance of her feeling it, even if you are fully clothed. If she makes mention of it, or if you can tell that it is causing her some discomfort, politely apologize and offer to shift her into a more comfortable position. But please don't pull her tightly against your penis, and definitely don't grind it on her.

• Peeking at her bare butt after a clothed spanking:   Ask first. Yes, there are some people who prefer to be spanked over clothing, especially when it comes to more severe implements like paddles or canes. The temptation to "inspect the damage" afterwards is understandable, but ask her if it's alright for you to look. Don't just pull back her waistband and have a peek.

• Slapping her face or pulling her hair:   Unless she had specifically said this is OK, don't do it.

• Hitting her thighs, back, genitals, breasts, or any other part of her body besides her butt:   Ask first.

• Calling her insulting names:   Definitely ask, both inside and outside of the context of spanking. She is not your "bitch" or your "slave" unless she says she wants to be.

• Yelling at her or speaking to her in an unpleasant tone:   Discuss it prior to any spankings you give her. If she is OK with that being part of the experience or mood for the spanking, then go ahead and do it. As long as it's generally understood that it's OK, there probably isn't a need to ask for permission for every spanking. Just don't talk to her that way when the spanking is long over, unless you are in some sort of 24/7 BDSM arrangement.

• Ordering her around:   Fine for the spanking, but unless you are in some sort of 24/7 BDSM arrangement, don't talk to her like that the rest of the time.