A while back, I wrote a post titled "Advice for New Spankees". Well, as it just so happens, I have a lot more to say on the subject, so I thought I would list five key "rules" for new spankees who want to make the most of their experience while staying safe.
1. Learn how to say "no". Yes, I know you play the role of a submissive when it comes to spanking, but that doesn't mean you give up your free will. When it comes to flirting/dates/sex, women are often the ones who have to reject men simply because they get hit on by so many guys constantly, and they can't possibly have sex with every single guy who asks. The same applies to spanking. If you have a lot of people asking to spank you, it will be impossible to accommodate everyone, so you MUST learn how to say no, and not feel guilty for doing so. You don't owe them anything. I made this my top piece of advice because it was the hardest for me to learn.
2. ALWAYS be honest with your spanking partner about your experience. Some spankees pretend to be more experienced than they actually are, or pretend to be able to take much more than they can actually take. They do this because they think it makes them more desirable to spankers. In short, it's how insecure young guys act about sex. For some spankers, they prefer someone with lots of experience, but there are many other spankers who are happy to have a newbie. But regardless, don't ever give your spanking partner false expectations. A spanking lifestyle involves trust, and trust goes both ways.
3. This isn't always possible, but your first spanker should ideally play the part of a teacher. No, I'm not talking about schoolgirl roleplay stuff, although that's fun too. I'm talking about someone who will be patient and help you explore spanking in a way that centers around your needs. I was lucky to have someone like that. This person should obviously be experienced in a wide variety of spanking methods so that he can help you explore various aspects of spanking to help you figure out what you like. To use yet another sex analogy, when I was in college, my favorite guys to have sex with were the nerdy virgins. Besides being more attracted to scrawny guys than muscular hulks, I loved being the person to teach them all about sex. I enjoyed showing them various positions, foreplay techniques, how to handle a clitoris (very carefully), and how to give good oral. You need someone like this for spanking.
4. Don't let any spankers use restraints on you unless you trust them completely. If you use restraints, then you just have to trust that the spanker will let you out when you're done, but what if he doesn't? I made that mistake once and only once. In my case, my spanker was treating it more like a prank and did pretty harmless things (involving whipped cream that was way too cold) to me while I was bound to a spanking bench, but you could also have a spanker who is downright malicious and could really hurt you. If your spanked really wants to incorporate bondage into spanking, maybe try introducing him to the concept of "mental bondage", which is basically when you force yourself to stay in position of your own willpower, often as a means of avoiding consequences for moving around during a spanking.
5. Get involved with other people into spanking in more ways than just the spanking itself. Connect with people on Facebook, like me. Go to spanking parties.
EXTRA CREDIT:
OK, this piece of advice is VERY hard for a lot of people out there to follow, whether you are a newbie or you have been into spanking longer than I've been alive. If you are involved romantically with someone who doesn't know about your spanking interest, talk to them about it. I know it's hard and you are probably terrified by the prospect of it, but if they respond well, then your life may be greatly changed for the better.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Saturday, September 6, 2014
My experience switching roles
As the title of my blog indicates, my role as a spanko is to be on the receiving end. I have thoroughly examined my own desires, and I am not a "switch" (someone who enjoys both giving and receiving spankings); I am simply a "sub" (one who only enjoys being on the receiving end).
That being said, I recently had the opportunity to give a spanking, and I had fun doing it. No, that still doesn't make me a switch, since the satisfaction I got from giving a spanking doesn't come close to comparing with the satisfaction I get from receiving a spanking. In fact, most of the fun I had giving a spanking came from me picturing myself in the place of the girl I was spanking, which may have prompted me to be a bit zealous in spanking her.
The person I spanked was a cute girl age 20. Her name is Sarah. We had met before at a spanking Meetup. She is a sub like me, but newer to the spanking scene. We quickly became friends. One day, she expressed her regret that she was having trouble finding suitable spanking partners. Now, Sarah is an absolutely gorgeous girl, so it isn't as if her physical appearance was an issue. A lot of her difficulties had to do with trust. Spankees like me and Sarah have to be careful when it comes to who we allow to spank us, especially since we are female. I pride myself on being very good at picking the right spanking partners and avoiding the creeps, but Sarah was newer to this whole scene and wasn't really sure who she could trust. Since we were friends, she asked if I would consider spanking her.
Now remember that I am a sub, not a switch, so it isn't like spanking Sarah was something I was fantasizing about. However, she is a friend, and I didn't have anything against spanking her, so I agreed to spank her in whichever way she wanted. Fortunately, like me, she also prefers to only be spanked bare. I say "fortunately" because she has a very cute butt that I enjoyed looking at and touching.
We started with a simple OTK hand spanking. I didn't spank very hard because she wanted the spanking to go on for a long time. She took it well. She squirmed more than I would have liked, but that's just how she reacts. We then switched it up a little by continuing the hand spanking in the wheelbarrow position. Being able to see how exposed Sarah was in that position gave me a new appreciation for just how exposed I am when I am being spanked in that position. I found myself fantasizing about being in Sarah's place while I was spanking her. I think these thoughts were the main reason why I had so much fun doing this.
Finally, Sarah decided she would like to end the hand spanking before she became too sore to try anything else. I showed her my collection of spanking implements. She quickly became excited when she saw I had canes in my collection. She had been curious about trying out a cane but had difficulty finding anyone who possessed a cane. On top of that, she was very nervous about trying the cane because of its reputation for severity.
I told Sarah that I once had the exact same concerns that she had about caning. I explained that the cane's reputation for severity is definitely well-deserved, but that being caned is an amazing experience for me and one that I recommend trying at least once. She agreed to end her spanking with a traditional "six of the best" with a cane. I had her bend over and touch her toes for the caning. Using the cane does take skill, but I had practiced swinging it before so that I could show inexperienced spankers how it's used. I have also been on the receiving end enough times to be familiar with good technique.
I gave her six really good strokes with the cane. I hid my amusement at all the screaming she did after each stroke. When it was over, Sarah admitted that the cane was actually more painful than she had expected, but that she wouldn't be opposed to trying it again in the future. We finally ended her spanking my me massaging her butt with cold cream. As I mentioned before, she has a really nice butt, so this was a nice reward for me.
After having some time to reflect on this experience, I think that giving a spanking has been a good experience for me, and has given me more perspective as a sub. I am definitely open to doing it again. That being said, I still consider myself to be a sub. Giving a spanking only gave me vicarious thrills by picturing myself in Sarah's place. Unfortunately, that just isn't the same as the sort of thrill I get from being the one who is spanked.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Why Spanking Children is Wrong
Yes, this is one of those posts that nobody wants to see, but it's something that I think it's time for the spanking community to address. It saddens me whenever I see a fellow spanking fetishist romanticizing the use of our shared fetish as a punishment for children. I very strongly disagree with the use of spanking on children. I don't mean this to be a screed against the practice, or to label all parents who practice this form of punishment as monsters, but it needs to be addressed. I will try to present rebuttals for some of the most common pro-spanking arguments I see out there, as well as giving my reasons for why it should be discontinued.
If you are someone who reads my blog, I think it's safe to assume that you are a fellow spanko like me. It shouldn't be that difficult for people like us to see why using this fetish to punish children is wildly inappropriate. I understand that ageplay and themes of regression are common among the spanking community, and I have no problem with that, just as long as there are clear boundaries regarding consent. It's important to remember that ageplay is just a fantasy. Anyone who extends that sort of fetish to the punishment of their own kids is probably not making very wise choices regarding what is good for their children.
The psychological community is very much opposed to spanking children. It's not even a controversy at this point. "Controversy" implies significant disagreement. There is no disagreement here. Psychologists are almost unanimously opposed to the practice, and they have been warning through numerous studies and decades of research of the harmful effect that spanking has on childhood mental and physical development, especially between the ages of five and nine. These aren't "quack" opinions. These are experts who have done enormous amounts of research into this topic, and they continue to come back with new evidence to support the same conclusion that spanking is unhealthy for kids and should be avoided. If you trust the advice of doctors when it comes to all other aspects of your child's health and development, then why dismiss the findings of psychologists?
Of course, all of these objections have been heard before by pro-spanking advocates, and they already have their own justifications for their disciplinary practices. Instead of continuing to repeat what psychologists have been saying for decades, I will attempt to offer rebuttals to the common justifications that I hear:
"But I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine!"
Well I wasn't spanked as a kid and I turned out fine too. We can't attribute that to spanking or the lack thereof. You may consider yourself to be someone who turned out just fine but you don't know for sure how you would have turned out if spanking hadn't been used. And for that matter, I can't say how I would have turned out had my parents spanked me. And this illustrates just one of the problems with using anecdotes as your argument.
"There is a difference between spanking and beating."
Yes, I will concede that there can be large differences in degree and in how the punishment is inflicted. Some spankings are much less severe than others. You are absolutely right about that, although calling severe spankings by a different word obfuscates the issue. Yes, differences in degree of severity exist. I recognize this fact, and I am sure that all of the psychologists who advise against spanking children are also aware of this fact. Pro-spanking advocates seem to think that this is a concept that nobody else has ever considered before. Well, we have considered it, and it's a bad argument. The fact that you could possibly spank more severely doesn't mean that less severe spankings are perfectly fine.
"No kid was ever harmed by a firm pat on the butt when he/she needed it."
Seriously? "A firm pat on the butt" is how you describe it? We all know that a spanking is much more than that (especially for kids above age 3 or so, where surprise doesn't mean as much). If you want to talk about how effective spanking is at deterring unwanted behavior by putting the fear of a spanking into the minds of kids, then obviously this is more than a "firm pat". I am a spanking enthusiast who is spanked for fun rather than punishment, so my situation isn't entirely comparable, but even the lightest spanking I have ever received has been much more than "a firm pat".
"Other punishments just don't work. Sometimes a spanking is the only thing that works."
I get the logic here. Kids usually aren't as rational in their thinking as older and more mature adults. The logic goes that they need something as fundamentally relatable as physical pain in order to get their attention.
I understand but I don't agree. Physical punishment is something that is only tolerated against children. If it were so wonderful, then why isn't it also used against adults? If I get pulled over for speeding, I get a ticket (or my license revoked), not a spanking. When my boss calls me in for a performance review, I never see a paddle sitting on his desk. Granted, at one extreme adults face far worse punishments like being fired or going to an adult prison, but for most instances of misbehavior, the consequences faced by adults are less severe and not physical in nature. Corporal punishment has even been abolished in prisons (officially) because it was recognized that forcibly subjecting people to that is inhumane.
"There is so much violence in schools now because they stopped paddling."
First, that's statistically wrong. School violence has actually gone down from forty years ago, not up. Second, school corporal punishment is much more severe than a lot of pro-spanking parents realize. In fact, I think parents should be subjected to a real school paddling before they are allowed to authorize its use on their children, just so they can experience what they are subjecting their kids to.
In all 50 states, there is a fine line between what is considered a legal spanking and what is considered abuse. For schools, that line is heavily biased in their favor. School faculty are often allowed to spank children much more severely than parents can. I wasn't subjected to corporal punishment when I was going to school, but because of my recreational spanking experience and my research on the topic of school corporal punishment, I am knowledgeable about the subject. Schools that spank usually use a large wooden paddle similar in design to most fraternity/sorority paddles, except school paddles are designed to cause maximum pain. For historical context, paddles were made for punishing slaves in a way that caused severe pain without causing scars. Because the number of swats administered is usually in the single digits (3 being a standard minimum) and because the paddling is administered over full clothing, school faculty usually try to make the most of it by swinging the paddle very hard, often using full-body swings to add more force. Unless you have felt it yourself, I can't describe to you just how painful that is. It would be considered abuse if done by parents. If I didn't enjoy spanking as a fetish, I would consider this to be a form of torture.
"Toddlers only respond to pain. Other disciplinary measures only work for older kids"
OK, I am willing to concede that you may have a point there. Toddlers do need to be corrected if their behavior poses a danger to themselves. And since toddlers often have difficulty communicating verbally, non-physical punishments are less likely to be effective. However, if you are convinced that you absolutely must use physical pain in order to discipline your child, could you at least avoid hitting them on the butt? Slapping their hands is painful but doesn't carry inappropriate signals.
"Spanking isn't a fetish thing when it's used to discipline children."
Obviously, slapping an adult on the face is much different than slapping an adult on the butt. The first one will get you an assault or battery charge. The second will get you put on the sex offenders registry. That alone should demonstrate the inappropriateness of spanking children.
Maybe you are sincere about being able to separate spanking children from the other psychological and sexual baggage that comes with it. Maybe it is solely about discipline for your family. I don't doubt people's sincerity about this. However, just because you don't see spanking this way doesn't mean that it isn't having an effect on your kids. Research has shown that spankings received as a child can play a huge role in developing a spanking fetish. Such fetishes can implant themselves in some form into the minds of spanked children while they are still children. Yeah, think about that next time you consider using spanking.
"The Bible encourages spanking"
If this is your reason, then you are probably beyond the help of logic. The Bible also encourages genocide, torture, and rape. Maybe you should look elsewhere for ethical guidance.
If you are someone who reads my blog, I think it's safe to assume that you are a fellow spanko like me. It shouldn't be that difficult for people like us to see why using this fetish to punish children is wildly inappropriate. I understand that ageplay and themes of regression are common among the spanking community, and I have no problem with that, just as long as there are clear boundaries regarding consent. It's important to remember that ageplay is just a fantasy. Anyone who extends that sort of fetish to the punishment of their own kids is probably not making very wise choices regarding what is good for their children.
The psychological community is very much opposed to spanking children. It's not even a controversy at this point. "Controversy" implies significant disagreement. There is no disagreement here. Psychologists are almost unanimously opposed to the practice, and they have been warning through numerous studies and decades of research of the harmful effect that spanking has on childhood mental and physical development, especially between the ages of five and nine. These aren't "quack" opinions. These are experts who have done enormous amounts of research into this topic, and they continue to come back with new evidence to support the same conclusion that spanking is unhealthy for kids and should be avoided. If you trust the advice of doctors when it comes to all other aspects of your child's health and development, then why dismiss the findings of psychologists?
Of course, all of these objections have been heard before by pro-spanking advocates, and they already have their own justifications for their disciplinary practices. Instead of continuing to repeat what psychologists have been saying for decades, I will attempt to offer rebuttals to the common justifications that I hear:
"But I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine!"
Well I wasn't spanked as a kid and I turned out fine too. We can't attribute that to spanking or the lack thereof. You may consider yourself to be someone who turned out just fine but you don't know for sure how you would have turned out if spanking hadn't been used. And for that matter, I can't say how I would have turned out had my parents spanked me. And this illustrates just one of the problems with using anecdotes as your argument.
"There is a difference between spanking and beating."
Yes, I will concede that there can be large differences in degree and in how the punishment is inflicted. Some spankings are much less severe than others. You are absolutely right about that, although calling severe spankings by a different word obfuscates the issue. Yes, differences in degree of severity exist. I recognize this fact, and I am sure that all of the psychologists who advise against spanking children are also aware of this fact. Pro-spanking advocates seem to think that this is a concept that nobody else has ever considered before. Well, we have considered it, and it's a bad argument. The fact that you could possibly spank more severely doesn't mean that less severe spankings are perfectly fine.
"No kid was ever harmed by a firm pat on the butt when he/she needed it."
Seriously? "A firm pat on the butt" is how you describe it? We all know that a spanking is much more than that (especially for kids above age 3 or so, where surprise doesn't mean as much). If you want to talk about how effective spanking is at deterring unwanted behavior by putting the fear of a spanking into the minds of kids, then obviously this is more than a "firm pat". I am a spanking enthusiast who is spanked for fun rather than punishment, so my situation isn't entirely comparable, but even the lightest spanking I have ever received has been much more than "a firm pat".
"Other punishments just don't work. Sometimes a spanking is the only thing that works."
I get the logic here. Kids usually aren't as rational in their thinking as older and more mature adults. The logic goes that they need something as fundamentally relatable as physical pain in order to get their attention.
I understand but I don't agree. Physical punishment is something that is only tolerated against children. If it were so wonderful, then why isn't it also used against adults? If I get pulled over for speeding, I get a ticket (or my license revoked), not a spanking. When my boss calls me in for a performance review, I never see a paddle sitting on his desk. Granted, at one extreme adults face far worse punishments like being fired or going to an adult prison, but for most instances of misbehavior, the consequences faced by adults are less severe and not physical in nature. Corporal punishment has even been abolished in prisons (officially) because it was recognized that forcibly subjecting people to that is inhumane.
"There is so much violence in schools now because they stopped paddling."
First, that's statistically wrong. School violence has actually gone down from forty years ago, not up. Second, school corporal punishment is much more severe than a lot of pro-spanking parents realize. In fact, I think parents should be subjected to a real school paddling before they are allowed to authorize its use on their children, just so they can experience what they are subjecting their kids to.
In all 50 states, there is a fine line between what is considered a legal spanking and what is considered abuse. For schools, that line is heavily biased in their favor. School faculty are often allowed to spank children much more severely than parents can. I wasn't subjected to corporal punishment when I was going to school, but because of my recreational spanking experience and my research on the topic of school corporal punishment, I am knowledgeable about the subject. Schools that spank usually use a large wooden paddle similar in design to most fraternity/sorority paddles, except school paddles are designed to cause maximum pain. For historical context, paddles were made for punishing slaves in a way that caused severe pain without causing scars. Because the number of swats administered is usually in the single digits (3 being a standard minimum) and because the paddling is administered over full clothing, school faculty usually try to make the most of it by swinging the paddle very hard, often using full-body swings to add more force. Unless you have felt it yourself, I can't describe to you just how painful that is. It would be considered abuse if done by parents. If I didn't enjoy spanking as a fetish, I would consider this to be a form of torture.
"Toddlers only respond to pain. Other disciplinary measures only work for older kids"
OK, I am willing to concede that you may have a point there. Toddlers do need to be corrected if their behavior poses a danger to themselves. And since toddlers often have difficulty communicating verbally, non-physical punishments are less likely to be effective. However, if you are convinced that you absolutely must use physical pain in order to discipline your child, could you at least avoid hitting them on the butt? Slapping their hands is painful but doesn't carry inappropriate signals.
"Spanking isn't a fetish thing when it's used to discipline children."
Obviously, slapping an adult on the face is much different than slapping an adult on the butt. The first one will get you an assault or battery charge. The second will get you put on the sex offenders registry. That alone should demonstrate the inappropriateness of spanking children.
Maybe you are sincere about being able to separate spanking children from the other psychological and sexual baggage that comes with it. Maybe it is solely about discipline for your family. I don't doubt people's sincerity about this. However, just because you don't see spanking this way doesn't mean that it isn't having an effect on your kids. Research has shown that spankings received as a child can play a huge role in developing a spanking fetish. Such fetishes can implant themselves in some form into the minds of spanked children while they are still children. Yeah, think about that next time you consider using spanking.
"The Bible encourages spanking"
If this is your reason, then you are probably beyond the help of logic. The Bible also encourages genocide, torture, and rape. Maybe you should look elsewhere for ethical guidance.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Wheelbarrow position (with video)
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Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Three assumptions spankers should never make
If it is your first time being spanked by a particular person, there is a good chance that you probably won't know everything about that person's preferences. It may be a good idea to discuss spanking preferences in extensive detail beforehand, but I also understand that sometimes it's just more fun to let them surprise you. Whichever the case may be, our own personal preferences may sometimes cause us to form assumptions about what the other person may be into. In the interest of the safety and happiness of all parties involved in recreational spanking, I would like to discuss three harmful assumptions that the person giving the spanking should never make. Please disregard any gender pronouns if they don't match your preferences.
This is mostly self-explanatory. The word "spanking" commonly refers to striking the buttocks. How hard, what implements are used, and whether or not it is given bare are all up to personal preference, but the common denominator is that you confine the thrashing to the buttocks. This is a safe assumption to make. It is not, however, safe to assume that someone will be OK with you striking other parts of their body. I have tried full-body thrashing before, and I have found it to be unsatisfying, so now I am just into spanking. A lot of others feel the same way. Because I haven't always been clear about limits in the past, I have had my thighs, back, vagina, and breasts struck before without warning, and I wasn't very happy about it. Again, if you want to move beyond the buttocks, please ask first.
3. Assuming submissiveness in all areas
Spanking generally falls under the large umbrella of BDSM, but just because you are into one aspect of BDSM doesn't mean you are into everything, or that you always have the mentality of a dom/sub or master/slave. In other words, being a spanker doesn't give you license to be a jerk or to disrespect the person you are spanking. I know how much of a paradox it seems. Yes, I may be OK with someone thrashing me hard until I am screaming in agony or growling commands at me to strip or stick my butt out more, but he had better not be rude to me! It seems like a contradiction but our fetishes don't always seamlessly fit into the rest of our identity. I have an assertive personality except when it comes to spanking. Surprisingly, I am even very assertive when it comes to sex, but spanking turns me into a total sub.
So unless it's part of the spanking, don't disrespect your partner. Don't assume that just because she let you spank her, that this somehow makes her inferior to you. And definitely don't ever assume that you can physically or emotionally hurt her in contexts where she has not given clear consent.
Summary checklist:
In summary, here is a checklist of things that you can assume and things you should ask about.
1. Assuming they want sex
2. Assuming you can hit other parts of their body
For most spankos, spanking can be a highly erotic activity and can often be used as foreplay, but that doesn't mean that anyone should just assume that sex is automatically on the menu. Just because the person you are spanking is aroused, that doesn't mean it's OK to assume they are up for sex. When in doubt, ASK! Trust me, if I want it, putting your intent into the form of a question doesn't kill the mood at all.
Despite whatever amount of arousal may come with spanking, a lot of people prefer to keep sex totally separate from spanking, and if you want someone to trust you enough to let you spank them, you have to be willing to honor their choices. In my personal experience, I have had sex with spanking partners, often right after the spanking was over. However, mutual consent was very clear. In other cases, I have had highly erotic spankings where no sexual contact was initiated or even suggested.
Just as an example, I had a spanking partner who used to spank me very regularly. I spent a LOT of time completely naked at his apartment. He was older than me and gay, but his preference was just that I be naked when he spanked me. I was cool with that, especially since being naked helps me to get into the right sort of mindset for spanking. Being totally gay, he had no sexual interest in me, and was really good about keeping his hands to himself (except when they were on my butt for obvious reasons). The only time he ever touched me more intimately than that was when I specifically invited him to while I was answering his politely-worded question about where the clitoris is, which was just curiosity on his part since he was inexperienced with such details (being more into penises and all). I bring this example up to basically illustrate a seemingly sexual spanking encounter in which sex is not assumed.
As an example of what not to do, I was once bent over for a spanking. The guy who was spanking me teased me about being turned on by it. The next thing I knew, I felt his finger being inserted into my vagina. I was stunned speechless that he would just assume that he could do that. When I finally found my voice again, I asked him to remove his finger. When he started apologizing profusely, I realized that he honestly meant no harm and didn't really think of his actions as "rapey". He just assumed that my being exposed in the way I was implied that I was up for sexual contact. I looked him in the eye and explained that I had no interest in having sex with him and that further advances would be unwelcome, but that I also understood his mistake and would forgive him for it. I then said that if he didn't want to continue the spanking without sexual play, then I would just get dressed and leave with no hard feelings. However, if he was OK with continuing the spanking, I would bend back over for him. He chose to continue the spanking, although he started swinging the paddle noticeably softer after that.
This is mostly self-explanatory. The word "spanking" commonly refers to striking the buttocks. How hard, what implements are used, and whether or not it is given bare are all up to personal preference, but the common denominator is that you confine the thrashing to the buttocks. This is a safe assumption to make. It is not, however, safe to assume that someone will be OK with you striking other parts of their body. I have tried full-body thrashing before, and I have found it to be unsatisfying, so now I am just into spanking. A lot of others feel the same way. Because I haven't always been clear about limits in the past, I have had my thighs, back, vagina, and breasts struck before without warning, and I wasn't very happy about it. Again, if you want to move beyond the buttocks, please ask first.
3. Assuming submissiveness in all areas
Spanking generally falls under the large umbrella of BDSM, but just because you are into one aspect of BDSM doesn't mean you are into everything, or that you always have the mentality of a dom/sub or master/slave. In other words, being a spanker doesn't give you license to be a jerk or to disrespect the person you are spanking. I know how much of a paradox it seems. Yes, I may be OK with someone thrashing me hard until I am screaming in agony or growling commands at me to strip or stick my butt out more, but he had better not be rude to me! It seems like a contradiction but our fetishes don't always seamlessly fit into the rest of our identity. I have an assertive personality except when it comes to spanking. Surprisingly, I am even very assertive when it comes to sex, but spanking turns me into a total sub.
So unless it's part of the spanking, don't disrespect your partner. Don't assume that just because she let you spank her, that this somehow makes her inferior to you. And definitely don't ever assume that you can physically or emotionally hurt her in contexts where she has not given clear consent.
Summary checklist:
In summary, here is a checklist of things that you can assume and things you should ask about.
- Slapping her on the butt: Yes! Not only is it OK, but it's kind of expected. Exceptions are after the spanking has clearly ended or when she has stated that she would like the spanking to end.
- Rubbing/stroking/massaging her butt: I would say it's OK to go ahead and do it unless she asks you not to.
- Touching her near her anus: Ask first! Not everyone likes that.
- Touching her genitals: Ask first, unless you have both agreed beforehand that sexual touching will be allowed or expected.
- Yanking off her panties: If she has agreed that the spanking will involve her panties being removed, then go ahead and do it. Otherwise, just ask. For all you know, she may want her panties lowered in a way that preserves some modesty.
- Spreading her legs: If you want her to adjust her position, it should probably be alright to use your foot to gently nudge her legs open into a wider stance. Sticking an implement like a paddle or a cane between her legs and using that to gently nudge them open wider is also fine. You should probably avoid placing your hand on her inner thigh though, unless sexual contact has definitely been given the green light. However, if she expresses a wish to not have her legs spread, then just leave them be.
- Adjusting her butt's position with your hands: As long as you are being mindful not to touch any other intimate areas without permission, go ahead. Placing your hands on her hips to pull her butt back towards you so that it is sticking out more is fine. So is shifting her body so that it is in a better position over your lap. Just watch where your hands go and you should be fine.
- Disrobing yourself in any way: You should keep your own clothes on unless she is OK with you taking them off. If a guy wants to take his shirt off so that his arm motion is unhindered, that should be fine but don't go any further than that. And definitely don't whip out your own genitals and start touching yourself. Just because the person you are spanking is OK removing her own clothes, that doesn't mean that she will be OK with you removing your clothes. If you want to be naked while spanking your partner, then ask her if it is OK. And please don't start masturbating unless she is OK with that.
- Stabbing her with your erect penis: It often can't be helped, but you can be considerate about it. If you have an erection while she is over your lap, there is a good chance of her feeling it, even if you are fully clothed. If she makes mention of it, or if you can tell that it is causing her some discomfort, politely apologize and offer to shift her into a more comfortable position. But please don't pull her tightly against your penis, and definitely don't grind it on her.
- Peeking at her bare butt after a clothed spanking: Ask first. Yes, there are some people who prefer to be spanked over clothing, especially when it comes to more severe implements like paddles or canes. The temptation to "inspect the damage" afterwards is understandable, but ask her if it's alright for you to look. Don't just pull back her waistband and have a peek.
- Slapping her face or pulling her hair: Unless she had specifically said this is OK, don't do it.
- Hitting her thighs, back, genitals, breasts, or any other part of her body besides her butt: Ask first.
- Calling her insulting names: Definitely ask, both inside and outside of the context of spanking. She is not your "bitch" or your "slave" unless she says she wants to be.
- Yelling at her or speaking to her in an unpleasant tone: Discuss it prior to any spankings you give her. If she is OK with that being part of the experience or mood for the spanking, then go ahead and do it. As long as it's generally understood that it's OK, there probably isn't a need to ask for permission for every spanking. Just don't talk to her that way when the spanking is long over, unless you are in some sort of 24/7 BDSM arrangement.
- Ordering her around: Fine for the spanking, but unless you are in some sort of 24/7 BDSM arrangement, don't talk to her like that the rest of the time.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Advice for New Spankees
I am fairly experienced when it comes to being spanked, but that obviously wasn't always the case. Everyone who is experienced was once a newbie, and there is nothing wrong with that. Having been both experienced and inexperienced in receiving spankings, I believe that some of my insights may be of some help to people who are brand new to being on the receiving end of spanking. I have a few pieces of advice that I believe will make taking that first step as a new spankee a little easier.
Fear:
So you have been talking with someone who has agreed to give you your very first spanking. What sort of emotions are running through your mind? If I had to guess, I would say you may be feeling relief, excitement, contentment, and maybe arousal. Oh yeah, and gut-wrenching terror! Some people may euphemistically say that they are feeling "anxiety" or "nervousness", but what they really mean to say is "fear".
If you are going to take that first step and agree to be spanked, you will most likely be afraid. That is perfectly OK. In fact, you should be concerned if you aren't afraid. I have been spanked countless times, and I still feel fear before a spanking. Not only is that OK, but for me the fear actually increases the excitement I get from being spanked. The only time your fear is a bad thing is if it prevents you from living out your desire to be spanked. In the end, you have to make a choice to submit to a spanking even though you may be terrified to do so. It's a difficult decision, but it was made easier for me when I came to an important realization. I realized that even if I let my fear stop me from being spanked, my desire to be spanked will never go away. I knew that if I was obsessed with the idea of being spanked now, that I would still be just as obsessed years from now. I decided that I wasn't going to use my fear as a reason to deny myself something I really wanted.
That was the decision I made back then. I still have to keep consciously making that decision over and over because I still feel that same fear before (and during) every spanking. However, the good news is that making this decision gets easier as you become more experienced. The fear doesn't ever really go away, but another emotion eventually builds up inside of you and makes things easier. That emotion is confidence.
Pain:
This should be obvious, but it sometimes isn't to a lot of people. It's a spanking, so it is going to hurt. I know you are expecting it to be painful because you have probably spent countless hours fantasizing about being spanked. Included in those fantasies is the realization that it will be painful. In fact, you have probably thought about that so much that you may have sort of become numb to the idea as a sort of coping mechanism so that the fantasy will still be exciting.
It's one thing to imagine what the pain will be like, but it's something totally different to actually experience the physical sensation of pain. It may even be a different type of pain than what you were expecting. The kind of pain produced by a wooden paddle feels different from the kind of pain produced by a leather strap. The pain may be more or less "intense" than you were expecting, and it may also be more "dull" or "sharp" than you were expecting.
Because it's so hard to really get an idea of what it is like until you try it, you may want to forgo your ultimate fantasy spanking for your first time. You can act out your ultimate spanking fantasies at a different time. Your first spanking should be about learning what to expect. If the person spanking you has experience, take direction from him or her. Just explain that this is your first time and you want to learn what it's like before diving in headfirst. Your first time may be a good opportunity to experiment with different implements and positions. The spanking should probably start off light at first and gradually increase in intensity from there to the extent that you feel comfortable. Your first spanking should be like your first time having sex. It probably won't be everything you ever wanted it to be, but that's OK. You are learning what it's like, and what does and doesn't work for you. There will be time later to indulge in the kind of experiences you really want.
Don't ever lie about your spanking experience or your limits. I understand the temptation to exaggerate because it goes back to the sex analogy.You may assume that because you are a spanking virgin and your partner is very experienced, that they would lose interest in you quickly if they knew how much of a newbie you are, but just be honest. A lot of spankers will work with newbies. Don't ever brag about how much you can take unless you have the experience to back it up, or you may find yourself regretting your boasts. When I was a newbie, one of my fears was that I would reach my limit after the spanking has barely started, and that my weak limits would disappoint the spanker. As it turned out, I was more resilient than I thought I was and I ended up impressing my first spanker, but my concern was still a very valid one. However, in retrospect, I believe that I greatly benefitted from having been honest.
You could theoretically avoid the pain altogether if your spanker is willing to give you a very light spanking, but that would sort of defeat the whole purpose. The spanking would lose its thrill and just become nothing more than an awkward butt massage. I don't really enjoy the pain, but the pain is necessary in order for me to enjoy the spanking. It's a complicated relationship that can only really be understood by experiencing it for yourself.
Humiliation:
I have purposely incorporated some pretty extreme aspects of humiliation in some of my spankings, but even the most tame spanking experiences can be embarrassing. Like pain, I don't enjoy humiliation either, but a spanking would be uninteresting without it. Whether you are simply baring your butt or stripping stark naked for your spanking, there will likely be some degree of embarrassment either way.
Even if you are fully clothed in nun attire for your spanking, there will still likely be some element of humiliation involved. Bending over or laying over a lap in order to meekly submit to a spanking is something that is natural to find embarrassing. Not only are you being put in an undignified position, but the person spanking you is very much aware of the pain you are feeling and there really isn't a good way to pretend otherwise. The sort of vulnerability that goes along with spanking will almost certainly embarrass you.
My advice for coping with the humiliation is to remember that this isn't accidental humiliation. It's not like you accidentally did something embarrassing in public or in front of people who weren't expecting it and weren't sharing an experience with you. Your humiliation is part of a deliberate act and it is an integral part of an exciting experience that you are sharing with the person spanking you. It's a very different type of humiliation. Once again, it's useful to compare this to sex. Being seen naked and in an orgasmic state is something that many people would naturally be horrified of in many contexts, but in the context of having sex that humiliation becomes pleasurable instead of horrifying.
Baring your butt:
For most spankos, this really doesn't need to be explained. However, not everyone wants to be spanked bare. I know of some people who fantasize about being spanked over jeans with a paddle. While bare butt spankings are the norm, not everyone has that same preference. Your choice of clothing is totally fine as long as you and your spanker are in agreement. However, for people who are new to being spanked, I strongly recommend being spanked on your bare butt. My reasoning for this is that you may not really be accustomed to how spanking affects your butt or when enough is enough. Having your butt bared for the spanking allows the person spanking you to watch your butt changing color and see the marks left by the spanking. Different butts can react differently to being spanked. Having it bare acts as a sort of safety measure so that the spanker can better determine when you may be approaching your limit. Even if you think you are doing fine, your butt may not look so good, and your spanker needs to be able to see that.
These are just a few simply suggestions I have for new spankees. If anyone else has anything to add, feel free to leave a comment.
Fear:
So you have been talking with someone who has agreed to give you your very first spanking. What sort of emotions are running through your mind? If I had to guess, I would say you may be feeling relief, excitement, contentment, and maybe arousal. Oh yeah, and gut-wrenching terror! Some people may euphemistically say that they are feeling "anxiety" or "nervousness", but what they really mean to say is "fear".
If you are going to take that first step and agree to be spanked, you will most likely be afraid. That is perfectly OK. In fact, you should be concerned if you aren't afraid. I have been spanked countless times, and I still feel fear before a spanking. Not only is that OK, but for me the fear actually increases the excitement I get from being spanked. The only time your fear is a bad thing is if it prevents you from living out your desire to be spanked. In the end, you have to make a choice to submit to a spanking even though you may be terrified to do so. It's a difficult decision, but it was made easier for me when I came to an important realization. I realized that even if I let my fear stop me from being spanked, my desire to be spanked will never go away. I knew that if I was obsessed with the idea of being spanked now, that I would still be just as obsessed years from now. I decided that I wasn't going to use my fear as a reason to deny myself something I really wanted.
That was the decision I made back then. I still have to keep consciously making that decision over and over because I still feel that same fear before (and during) every spanking. However, the good news is that making this decision gets easier as you become more experienced. The fear doesn't ever really go away, but another emotion eventually builds up inside of you and makes things easier. That emotion is confidence.
Pain:
This should be obvious, but it sometimes isn't to a lot of people. It's a spanking, so it is going to hurt. I know you are expecting it to be painful because you have probably spent countless hours fantasizing about being spanked. Included in those fantasies is the realization that it will be painful. In fact, you have probably thought about that so much that you may have sort of become numb to the idea as a sort of coping mechanism so that the fantasy will still be exciting.
It's one thing to imagine what the pain will be like, but it's something totally different to actually experience the physical sensation of pain. It may even be a different type of pain than what you were expecting. The kind of pain produced by a wooden paddle feels different from the kind of pain produced by a leather strap. The pain may be more or less "intense" than you were expecting, and it may also be more "dull" or "sharp" than you were expecting.
Because it's so hard to really get an idea of what it is like until you try it, you may want to forgo your ultimate fantasy spanking for your first time. You can act out your ultimate spanking fantasies at a different time. Your first spanking should be about learning what to expect. If the person spanking you has experience, take direction from him or her. Just explain that this is your first time and you want to learn what it's like before diving in headfirst. Your first time may be a good opportunity to experiment with different implements and positions. The spanking should probably start off light at first and gradually increase in intensity from there to the extent that you feel comfortable. Your first spanking should be like your first time having sex. It probably won't be everything you ever wanted it to be, but that's OK. You are learning what it's like, and what does and doesn't work for you. There will be time later to indulge in the kind of experiences you really want.
Don't ever lie about your spanking experience or your limits. I understand the temptation to exaggerate because it goes back to the sex analogy.You may assume that because you are a spanking virgin and your partner is very experienced, that they would lose interest in you quickly if they knew how much of a newbie you are, but just be honest. A lot of spankers will work with newbies. Don't ever brag about how much you can take unless you have the experience to back it up, or you may find yourself regretting your boasts. When I was a newbie, one of my fears was that I would reach my limit after the spanking has barely started, and that my weak limits would disappoint the spanker. As it turned out, I was more resilient than I thought I was and I ended up impressing my first spanker, but my concern was still a very valid one. However, in retrospect, I believe that I greatly benefitted from having been honest.
You could theoretically avoid the pain altogether if your spanker is willing to give you a very light spanking, but that would sort of defeat the whole purpose. The spanking would lose its thrill and just become nothing more than an awkward butt massage. I don't really enjoy the pain, but the pain is necessary in order for me to enjoy the spanking. It's a complicated relationship that can only really be understood by experiencing it for yourself.
Humiliation:
I have purposely incorporated some pretty extreme aspects of humiliation in some of my spankings, but even the most tame spanking experiences can be embarrassing. Like pain, I don't enjoy humiliation either, but a spanking would be uninteresting without it. Whether you are simply baring your butt or stripping stark naked for your spanking, there will likely be some degree of embarrassment either way.
Even if you are fully clothed in nun attire for your spanking, there will still likely be some element of humiliation involved. Bending over or laying over a lap in order to meekly submit to a spanking is something that is natural to find embarrassing. Not only are you being put in an undignified position, but the person spanking you is very much aware of the pain you are feeling and there really isn't a good way to pretend otherwise. The sort of vulnerability that goes along with spanking will almost certainly embarrass you.
My advice for coping with the humiliation is to remember that this isn't accidental humiliation. It's not like you accidentally did something embarrassing in public or in front of people who weren't expecting it and weren't sharing an experience with you. Your humiliation is part of a deliberate act and it is an integral part of an exciting experience that you are sharing with the person spanking you. It's a very different type of humiliation. Once again, it's useful to compare this to sex. Being seen naked and in an orgasmic state is something that many people would naturally be horrified of in many contexts, but in the context of having sex that humiliation becomes pleasurable instead of horrifying.
Baring your butt:
For most spankos, this really doesn't need to be explained. However, not everyone wants to be spanked bare. I know of some people who fantasize about being spanked over jeans with a paddle. While bare butt spankings are the norm, not everyone has that same preference. Your choice of clothing is totally fine as long as you and your spanker are in agreement. However, for people who are new to being spanked, I strongly recommend being spanked on your bare butt. My reasoning for this is that you may not really be accustomed to how spanking affects your butt or when enough is enough. Having your butt bared for the spanking allows the person spanking you to watch your butt changing color and see the marks left by the spanking. Different butts can react differently to being spanked. Having it bare acts as a sort of safety measure so that the spanker can better determine when you may be approaching your limit. Even if you think you are doing fine, your butt may not look so good, and your spanker needs to be able to see that.
These are just a few simply suggestions I have for new spankees. If anyone else has anything to add, feel free to leave a comment.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Spanking in the Wheel of Time Series
A common practice among spankos is to try to find non-erotic mainstream books or movies that feature spanking scenes. I admit to having done the same thing, but that is not something I will be focusing on in this blog. However, I wanted to write a post about the epic fantasy novel series The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan (and later finished by Brandon Sanderson after Robert Jordan's death). I recently finished reading the epically long 14-book series (not counting the prequel). Despite being kind of slow around the middle of the series, I greatly enjoyed it. Robert Jordan did an amazing job creating a diverse and lively fictional world. When it comes to complexity of the plot, long cast of characters, and all the scheming and backstabbing that goes on, it reminds me a lot of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin, just with a much more lighthearted and comical writing style.
Of course, I am not mentioning this on my blog because it is a good series with the occasional spanking scene. No, this is a good series with a LOT of spanking going on. I'm not going to even attempt to list all of the examples of spanking in this series, because there are just so many. Unfortunately, a lot of the spankings are implied, such as referring to a young woman with a sore butt who is unable to sit comfortably after a visit with the Mistress of Novices. At several points in the series, it flat out declares that a character was just spanked (often specifying which implement was used), but doesn't really go into much more detail than that.
Despite the sheer number of spankings mentioned in the series, one character stands out above all the rest when it comes to being spanked. When Egwene is taken captive by the White Tower, she is subjected to regular spankings as punishment for her defiance. What starts out as relatively mild hand spankings quickly increases in severity when milder spanking fail to tame her defiance. Eventually, she is being sent for a spanking several times per day that involves her being bent over a desk and spanked long and hard with a leather strap on her bare butt. The fact that the desk she is bent over is mentioned as having been stained by countless tears indicates just how well-spanked she is.
In this series, birching is talked about as a more severe form of spanking than strapping, but I don't recall any instances where birching is actually used, although it is certainly threatened for very serious crimes, sometimes as a punishment inflicted right before execution.
Spanking isn't always used in an institutional context either. At night, a slaveowner named Sevanna would spank the five slaves who displeased her most that day. Spanking is also used in domestic contexts. After tiring of his wife's temper, mild-mannered Perrin finds that spanking her makes her more agreeable. Rather than protesting his tactics, his wife seems to be happy that her husband found the backbone to do something.
All things considered, I wouldn't read this series just for the spanking, but it does make a nice addition to an already enjoyable reading experience.
Of course, I am not mentioning this on my blog because it is a good series with the occasional spanking scene. No, this is a good series with a LOT of spanking going on. I'm not going to even attempt to list all of the examples of spanking in this series, because there are just so many. Unfortunately, a lot of the spankings are implied, such as referring to a young woman with a sore butt who is unable to sit comfortably after a visit with the Mistress of Novices. At several points in the series, it flat out declares that a character was just spanked (often specifying which implement was used), but doesn't really go into much more detail than that.
Despite the sheer number of spankings mentioned in the series, one character stands out above all the rest when it comes to being spanked. When Egwene is taken captive by the White Tower, she is subjected to regular spankings as punishment for her defiance. What starts out as relatively mild hand spankings quickly increases in severity when milder spanking fail to tame her defiance. Eventually, she is being sent for a spanking several times per day that involves her being bent over a desk and spanked long and hard with a leather strap on her bare butt. The fact that the desk she is bent over is mentioned as having been stained by countless tears indicates just how well-spanked she is.
In this series, birching is talked about as a more severe form of spanking than strapping, but I don't recall any instances where birching is actually used, although it is certainly threatened for very serious crimes, sometimes as a punishment inflicted right before execution.
Spanking isn't always used in an institutional context either. At night, a slaveowner named Sevanna would spank the five slaves who displeased her most that day. Spanking is also used in domestic contexts. After tiring of his wife's temper, mild-mannered Perrin finds that spanking her makes her more agreeable. Rather than protesting his tactics, his wife seems to be happy that her husband found the backbone to do something.
All things considered, I wouldn't read this series just for the spanking, but it does make a nice addition to an already enjoyable reading experience.
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